Remission

So that was it my cancer was in remission , all I had to do was keep it that way! Cancer had come into my life like a terrifying tornado , tore my body apart and mentally beat me down and after what seemed like a life time of procedures, chemo, drugs, blood transfusions , clots , hair loss, and all that comes along with a cancer diagnosis , it left and I was now supposed to pick myself up and move on. But I wasn't me anymore it had changed me and I wasn't sure how to get me back . I was still so ill  from treatment and so so tired all the time , I was panicking about the lack of hospital support now that I was in remission . I had three months to go before my next scan it was so unusual not to have any hospital visits , it was scary thinking about going back to everyday life . I fought hard to get to this place where we could move home and move past this nightmare but now that I was here I was terrified , I didn't have the energy to go back to normal life , my body was so tired and my head was in a dark place . Looking back it makes perfect sense of course I felt this way chemo had taken its toll but at the time I just felt lost and although I had so many people around me I felt so alone. Everyone was congratulating me on my results but I still felt like a sick cancer patient . 

I was angry , angry at myself for not being delighted to be well not feeling overjoyed to be getting my life back .... But mostly I felt sad , sad at my missed year with Ben , sad at no longer having full confidence in myself to be his mom! 

I went on like this for months putting a smile on celebrating my remission , jumping for joy when I met someone that I hadn't seen for a while and they congratulated me. I wish someone had told me I would feel this way , I wish someone had told me it was normal!

I can't quite remember when it was but one day I just decided no ! Cancer had already taken enough.... I started walking whenever I could..... And I made a decision to juice every morn no matter what ... Slowly and gradually I started to feel more like me ... I started to feel happy again. I vowed to continue juicing exercising as often as I could . I joined a running group with a friend , one that very slowly took me from walking to running . With my juicing and running I was sleeping better I was in better form , I was starting to look forward rather than sitting waiting for cancer to return . I was taking charge it was not coming back I was refusing to Let It . I had worked to hard get to where I was ....I was not going back. 

My scans were every three months in those first two years . I was grateful to have them , after each one I would feel such a huge sigh of relief but it wouldn't take long before the panic would kick in again ! What was that pain? Why am I feeling so tired today ? Any niggle had me worried ! Only natural though! When I reached my first year in remission  I was over the moon , I'd never imagined I'd get that far without relapsing! 

But the further away I got from cancer the more determined I was to never let it return! I felt slightly like a ticking time bomb waiting for it to return and turn our lives upside down again! 

I am not sure that feeling will ever fully go away .... The worry of it returning ....the worry that next time will I be able to fight it .... Will there be a next time?! 

One thing it has given me is so , so much more appreciation for everyday things like , family, friends, going back to work, making new friends. But it has made me so appreciate all of the milestones in Bens life ... Every single one I thank god ( or whoever is up there looking out for me!) for letting me still be here to see them .... Birthdays , Christmases, loosing teeth, cut knees , meltdowns, new friends, bad dreams, giggle fits , worries , nosebleeds , days out, holidays.....every single  moment in his life I appreciate that little bit more even the more stressful ones .... I am just so happy to be here for him. Tomorrow he is grading for his purple belt in Karate, and although I joke about long Sunday's spent in a karate hall .... I know during the day when Ben looks over and smiles at me I will thank everything above that I am here to share it with him.

So yes cancer took so much away from me but it has made me so so much stronger and so much more appreciative of everyday things .

And although very cliché ...stop be happy where you are , appreciate everyday life because in the end those are the things you will mostly be thankful for , those are the things that matter most .

It took a long time for me to get where I am now , to get well again . I truly believe juicing veggies daily and running a couple of times a week has kept my body and mind healthy . It's the main reason I set up my page and blog to share my recipes and experience, and hopefully help people going through illness or just to set someone on a healthier and happier road in their life.