Remission

So that was it my cancer was in remission , all I had to do was keep it that way! Cancer had come into my life like a terrifying tornado , tore my body apart and mentally beat me down and after what seemed like a life time of procedures, chemo, drugs, blood transfusions , clots , hair loss, and all that comes along with a cancer diagnosis , it left and I was now supposed to pick myself up and move on. But I wasn't me anymore it had changed me and I wasn't sure how to get me back . I was still so ill  from treatment and so so tired all the time , I was panicking about the lack of hospital support now that I was in remission . I had three months to go before my next scan it was so unusual not to have any hospital visits , it was scary thinking about going back to everyday life . I fought hard to get to this place where we could move home and move past this nightmare but now that I was here I was terrified , I didn't have the energy to go back to normal life , my body was so tired and my head was in a dark place . Looking back it makes perfect sense of course I felt this way chemo had taken its toll but at the time I just felt lost and although I had so many people around me I felt so alone. Everyone was congratulating me on my results but I still felt like a sick cancer patient . 

I was angry , angry at myself for not being delighted to be well not feeling overjoyed to be getting my life back .... But mostly I felt sad , sad at my missed year with Ben , sad at no longer having full confidence in myself to be his mom! 

I went on like this for months putting a smile on celebrating my remission , jumping for joy when I met someone that I hadn't seen for a while and they congratulated me. I wish someone had told me I would feel this way , I wish someone had told me it was normal!

I can't quite remember when it was but one day I just decided no ! Cancer had already taken enough.... I started walking whenever I could..... And I made a decision to juice every morn no matter what ... Slowly and gradually I started to feel more like me ... I started to feel happy again. I vowed to continue juicing exercising as often as I could . I joined a running group with a friend , one that very slowly took me from walking to running . With my juicing and running I was sleeping better I was in better form , I was starting to look forward rather than sitting waiting for cancer to return . I was taking charge it was not coming back I was refusing to Let It . I had worked to hard get to where I was ....I was not going back. 

My scans were every three months in those first two years . I was grateful to have them , after each one I would feel such a huge sigh of relief but it wouldn't take long before the panic would kick in again ! What was that pain? Why am I feeling so tired today ? Any niggle had me worried ! Only natural though! When I reached my first year in remission  I was over the moon , I'd never imagined I'd get that far without relapsing! 

But the further away I got from cancer the more determined I was to never let it return! I felt slightly like a ticking time bomb waiting for it to return and turn our lives upside down again! 

I am not sure that feeling will ever fully go away .... The worry of it returning ....the worry that next time will I be able to fight it .... Will there be a next time?! 

One thing it has given me is so , so much more appreciation for everyday things like , family, friends, going back to work, making new friends. But it has made me so appreciate all of the milestones in Bens life ... Every single one I thank god ( or whoever is up there looking out for me!) for letting me still be here to see them .... Birthdays , Christmases, loosing teeth, cut knees , meltdowns, new friends, bad dreams, giggle fits , worries , nosebleeds , days out, holidays.....every single  moment in his life I appreciate that little bit more even the more stressful ones .... I am just so happy to be here for him. Tomorrow he is grading for his purple belt in Karate, and although I joke about long Sunday's spent in a karate hall .... I know during the day when Ben looks over and smiles at me I will thank everything above that I am here to share it with him.

So yes cancer took so much away from me but it has made me so so much stronger and so much more appreciative of everyday things .

And although very cliché ...stop be happy where you are , appreciate everyday life because in the end those are the things you will mostly be thankful for , those are the things that matter most .

It took a long time for me to get where I am now , to get well again . I truly believe juicing veggies daily and running a couple of times a week has kept my body and mind healthy . It's the main reason I set up my page and blog to share my recipes and experience, and hopefully help people going through illness or just to set someone on a healthier and happier road in their life. 

 

Nearing the end of treatment....

The main reason I started this blog and my juicing page on Facebook was to try help people going through treatment for cancer , and to maybe give them some tips on what helped me through and what eventually helped to get me back to me , a much healthier, happier me! This next blog is about coming towards the end of my treatment...... 

Chemo number 3 came and went I was half way through ..... I was weaker and sicker than I'd ever been and I knew it was about to get a whole lot worse ! 

As I've said before with each chemo I felt worse, with each treatment I was getting weaker and was losing the fight within me, the further into to treatment the less and less I felt like myself! The more and more I felt like giving up.  

For those that have never been in a chemo room..... It's wierdly welcoming and relaxing !!! I knew when I walked into the room everyone in there was feeling how I was feeling ( or near enough to!!) I also knew that I could stick on a box set on my mini DVD player ( bought for me by my baby brother , I knew I was ill when he bought me a gift of a mini. DVD player when it wasn't my bday!!! There was no Netflix when I was dignosed so thank god for my sisters friend Cath who sent me over some amazing box sets !)any worries or fears I had , someone always had an answer to them

In that room. It was like a secret club that none of us wanted to be members of. And all any of us wanted was our health back. I found  that room full of people a huge support. 

So I was getting through it scans showed that my cancer was responding well to treatment . I felt like crap but it was working. I knew as well as the juicing I needed to start getting out into the fresh air and get some excercise . So I started walking anywhere and everywhere even when I felt crap and like not moving I would drag myself out as I knew I would always come back feeling better than when I started. 

Nothing could have prepared me for the toll the Chemo eventually took on my body and mind I was beyond exhausted and feeling so so low. 

Then came my final treatment I was filled with anxiety ... Had it worked ? .... The hospital had become my crutch I felt normal when I was there the same as everyone else! At home I was the sick person that everyone was worried about . I was worried that I would feel a bit lost not being a patient and having the support of the nurses ! So weird I know! Of course I wanted to be home with my family , but in hospital I felt safe if something was to go wrong they would fix it ! 

Thank god for my Mum as no matter how I felt , everyday she would get me up pump me with a juice and drag me out the door! And with Michael and his lovely family around I never had to worry about Benzo as I knew he was so so well loved and looked after. And the lovely Chreche Ben was in at the time, Puddleducks , were so good to us. When the chips are down you realise how important family and friends are and during that time myself and Michael would have been lost without them. I was never alone in hospital either, one of my sisters or brother or sis in law were always with me I think they must have worked out a roster!! Our little family was being well looked after. So all I had to do was get better!!! 

October 2nd 2008 was here and today was the day I was determined to get my results ... We had been waiting for a call in the days previous to see had my treatment worked but I was sick of waiting . I decided that morning I would stalk them with constant phone calls until they had to tell me . Prof Crown had a lovely doc working for him at the time called Tamir ( not sure that's how he spells it!) . We all fell in love with him he was so so good to me and my family whilst I was an in patient in St Vincent's. And he gave me and my sisters many laughs . That day after a lot of calling prof crowns office , I was finally put through to Tamir , I asked him were my results back, they were, I think k he probably wanted me to wait for my next appointment with professor Crown to get those results but I begged!!! I waved at mum in the kitchen and we both stood in the conservatory and held our breath .....Mum held my hand...... We waited and prayed for good news...... And we got it !!!!! My cancer had gone into remission . I didn't quite believe it I smiled at mom and nodded ...... It was the first time during my whole treatment that I saw my mum cry ( I know she cried when I wasn't around but never in front of me in front of me she was always strong) we hugged each other and bawled!!!!  It is a moment I will never forget. Eventually we got ourselves together and I called Michael , needless to say he was overjoyed but like me questioned it .... Were they sure ? Should we wait to hear from Prof Crown to confirm? But no we decided let's take this good news and celebrate!! Myself and mum spent the next hour calling everyone we knew to tell them our good news. 

 

My cancer was in remission and I was going to do everything in my power to keep it that way! 

Happy Halloween 🎃🎃🎃

With all the junk Ben ( I may help him!) will be consuming later, I'm making sure this morn I can squeeze as much greens into our bodies as possible !!! 

1 courgette

1 cucumber 

A generous handful of kale

1 large lemon

2 celery stalks

1 small pineapple 

Juice all together then scoop in one avocado and blend. 

Serves 2 adults and one child.

After pouring Bens out, I add wheatgrass for myself and Michael x 

Tip: you can pick up the broccoli stalk/ trunk for free in most supermarkets it's the bit most people cut off before weighing.... It's packed full of goodness and great for juicing xx

Juicing x

Benzo has a bit of a cold and sore throat at the moment . So this morning I'm giving him plenty of Vit C with this juice to try stop that cold in its tracks.

Recipe:

To feed 2 Adults and one child.

1small bag of carrots

A generous piece of ginger

1 lemon 

Three oranges 

Two stalks of Celery 

YUM ! As soon as I saw the benefits of juicing I of course was going to somehow get them into Ben too. He was pretty reluctant at first so I started him with juices like this one. He now , just like me and Michael, has a juice every morning . He loves them and I love knowing that every morning before he leaves for school , he has had plenty of fresh fruit and veggies . It's very rare he or any of us get sick now, but when we do we always manage to fight it off . I cannot remember the last time he had an antibiotic ! 

Chemo #3

So there I was, half way through chemo, looking stunning, with my swollen steroid face, bald head and lack of eyebrows !!! With each chemo session I became a little lower in myself and was more and more WRECKED !! The beetroot juices helped me but I knew there was more I had to do .... I started following people on Twitter who were into juicing so I could learn more about it. My mum went out and bought me a really good juicer as an engagement present (yep Michael proposed along with the help of my lovely Benzo, of course I said yes). So with a wedding in my future I had even more incentive to fight and win. I was not leaving this world, it was too soon! I learnt that the greener and darker the veggie which makes up your juice, the better it is for you, so I started juicing broccoli and kale and courgette and anything else green I could find !! At first, I could not bare the taste so just knocked it back!!! We (my mum and I) went to lots of different health food shops. I was having wheat grass shots (daily), drinking matcha tea and green juice...... I was slowly noticing I had more energy and my mood was improving ... I wanted to go out, I wanted to see people .... The thoughts of giving up and giving in were getting fewer and far between. I read a book around this time called :-The Choice by Bernadette Bohan, I read it within two days and then went straight out and bought her other book called :- The programme. She could do it so could I!! Don't get me wrong it was no walk in the park I had some seriously dark days and lots of times that I just wanted to go, it would be easier..... The hardest part was watching all those I love around me, so scared and so upset for me, and there was nothing I could do to help them. I HAD to get well. I then started having a juice every morning before I ate or drank anything else, it really set me up for the day and gave me energy and helped to ward off any cravings for things I shouldn't be eating ! One of my fave juices at this time was one that gave me lots of energy : Pineapple, kale, courgette, celery, lime and ginger. Seven years on, a juice first thing in the morning is how I start every day. These juices and a healthy reach food diet is what got me through treatment ..... Don't get me wrong the only reason I am still here is chemotherapy, Prof John Crown and the amazing nurses at St Vincent's hospital. Those nurses, in the middle of the night when I was feeling scared, alone and so very homesick (all I wanted was to look into my babies’ cot and see him sleeping), those nurses were my saviour, they talked me through some of my most darkest times.... One nurse whom I'll never forget sat with me for hours in the middle of the night whilst I just sobbed. Nurses are angels in disguise. The treatment is so hard going on your body, but more so on your mental health, that along with all they were doing to treat my cancer, I needed to do what I could to keep myself as healthy as possible. And Juicing worked for me. The first pic is me in hospital with my Dad, feeling like crap, the second pic is me with my Dad feeling amazing on the most amazing Day.... I still wasn't where I wanted to be health or fitness wise (I still hadn't found my love of running yet!)  but I was slowly getting there .... X

Where juicing began for me xx

So for those of you who don't know me ..... I'm Julie , mum to Benzo, wife to Michael !! Through friends and family I've been persuaded into doing a blog.... Don't quite know what I'm doing but sure I'll give it a go! I suppose the best place to start is my background and why I got into juicing and how it has changed me and how I've seen it change those around me. Growing up I was a bit of a messer ( still am!) grew up in a house full of people ,5 sisters one brother and my lovely Mummy and Daddy. Mum always cooked everything fresh and from scratch.... I always managed to skip the veggies!! My fave food was white bread with bovril, pasta with cheese , cheese toasties basically carbs , carbs and more Carbs! As I got older beer became one of my faves too!! A very healthy diet!!!!! I loved a good party and was out Thursday - Sunday whenever I could. Still love a good party and if I could I'd still be out as much but I'm quite fond of my couch now too!!!
Nearly ten years ago now , on Paddys day in town whilst at the bar for a shot of tequila I met my lovely Hubby Michael . We've Been through quite a lot in the past ten years together  , we've had some lovely times like the day our gorgeous Benzo was born and our lovely wedding day we've also had some difficult times  , the beginning of the most difficult was the day I was diagnosed With Cancer .....

Benzo decided to  take his time coming into the world and ten days over due , quite a long labour and with the use of some rather large utensils Ben came kicking and screaming into this world and we were instantly in love .  And as I'd already been working with kids for as long as I could remember the hard part was over sure all I had to do now was take him for lovely walks and show him off to friends and family I was already a pro....... how totally and completely wrong I was!!!!! Ben was not a fan of sleeping or eating he was a fan of crying and vomiting and screaming and never sleeping !!!! One day rolled into another and before long I was a walking zombie who felt like a failure.  No matter what I tried nothing worked he just would not sleep and I was losing my mind..... During this time I had started to feel unwell but put it down to sheer  exhaustion. I decided to go to the doctor but I was mostly displaying signs of first time mum and was told as much and sent home.  four trips to the doc later a big and sudden weight loss ( that I was delighted about!)  I was told she would send me for an ultra sound but she didn't expect to find much and that maybe I should stop carrying Ben so much as that  may be causing my chest pain..... I thought I was losing my mind. So much so that when the nurse who was doing the ultra sound quietly said I need to get the doctor, I was relieved , I wasn't losing my mind after all she had found something. I presumed ulcers or some strange bug!!  I was given an endoscope on that day too and was told not to worry they would get me out of pain. Even after the doc phoned from the airport the next day to tell me he had referred me to another consultant but that I would be looked after ....I was still thinking ulcers!!!
                 It was a Friday evening when myself and my mum ( Michael had a work thing on that I insisted he still did as I still thought not much of the appointment!) so we sat in the office and I was floored when he said he had found two tumours, he didn't use the C word but the look on my mums face told me it was serious. He wanted to admit me there and then but I insisted on going home to my baby who was then only one he allowed me home as long as I returned on Sunday to be admitted ..... All I could think was I don't want to leave my baby. We drove home in silent tears . We were greeted at the door by Michael all my sisters and my brother , I went straight upstairs to put Ben to bed and try get my head round what was going on , all I could hear downstairs was the sound of worry. Sunday was the hardest day leaving my baby it tore my heart in two. A week later they sent me for further tests in another hospital and found a third Tumor , the big C word was being used regularly now, but they just weren't sure which type it was I had!!! And while they figured it out I was still away from my baby in a hospital bed filling myself with pain relief medication and still not knowing what lay ahead . . Weeks went by I think eight in total when they said I could go down to Wexford with my family for the weekend . I was delighted we all went, all my sisters , mum and dad, Michael, and Ben . I had a lovely day with all my family around me. I was wrecked early evening so lay chatting on the bed to my sisters then popped a few tablets and fell asleep. Next morning I woke with the head of a very large elephant!!! I was terrified this was it I thought. My tumor in my chest had grown over night and was causing me some serious problems, I felt as though I was suffocating . I was taken by my big sis Joan back up to hospital.  I was an emergency case and the next 24 hours were critical, At this time all I could think was, God what I wouldn't give for normality and the boring day to day reality of work, weekly food shopping, waking to my baby at night....all the things I took for granted. I wasn't giving up. And that is when my HERO professor John Crown took over . I was diagnosed with non Hodgkin's lymphoma and chemo started immediately. I was relieved something was finally being done , they were gonna try to fix me rather than waiting around for possible surgery that they weren't even sure they could do! And after my first chemo as an in patient I was going to get to go home and only return every two weeks as an outpatient for my treatment which meant being home with my Benzo, Michael , my Mum and all those I love, things were starting to look up. Chemo one came and went and I thought this is not so bad ... Chemo two was a bit harder day 3-7 the hardest , the steroids for me were the hardest part of treatment , I hated how they made me feel. Around this time I had to have a blood transfusion, during my treatment a few things got in the way of my chemo, I developed a clot on my lung following a mediastinosocopy (after this one I woke with a chest drain HELL) eventually I had to have a second mediastinoscopy  both of which I hated. After each chemo I session I felt a little worse. Then I went in for chemo three and they took my bloods but they were too low, so instead of being in for chemo and home again, they admitted me and put me in a room by myself ..... This was probably the lowest I'd felt since my diagnosis... I was sick of it all,  feeling wrecked , feeling down , feeling sick, feeling on edge , missing normality .... Feeling all the horrible feelings !!!! It's then I met a lovely lady, who was also in for treatment (I made some lovely friends during my time in hospital all of us with different types of cancer and all of us going through the same hell, unfortunately some of them didn't make it through). This lady told me about "ABC"... I can still hear her talking to me!! "ABC" she said "Apple, Beetroot, Carrot juice, take it twice a day and your bloods will improve"... I thought ' Jesus I'm sick of people giving me advice'!! Later when my mum was in I mentioned it to her ..... That was it for the rest of the week twice a day that juice was pumped into me in pint form twice a day !!!! And when I returned for my bloods to see if I was well enough for chemo .... My bloods were so much better and I was given my third and hardest chemo!! But I was happy to be well enough to get it!!!

       This is when juicing for me began.....I decided to start this blog to share any tips I have that helped to get me through treatment but mostly on how I built myself back up through a healthy diet, juicing and lots of exercise. Its working for me and, as of this month, I am now 7 years cancer free!!